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Your sibling’s children, obviously, should take priority over, say, a friend’s, but if this rule of thumb still leaves you in a fix, consider traditional etiquette, which limits your choices for flower girls and ring bearers to children between 3 and 7 years old. “Younger children simply don’t make it to the end of the aisle” without some adult intervention, says Becker.
She adds that an 8-year-old can be promoted to junior bridesmaid, a title she can hold until her 18th birthday, when she’s finally allowed to lose the “junior” label. “On the other hand, boys are usually retired from the wedding business from age 8 until they’re old enough to be a groomsman, at 18,” she says. Of course, there are exceptions to every rule. Kaforey once planned a wedding in which a toddler was pulled down the aisle in a wagon by a little girl. “It was adorable,” she says.
ARE THERE OTHER DUTIES FOR CHILDREN?
At the ceremony, children can act as ushers, hand out programs, circulate mass books or yarmulkes, or distribute packets of rice or rose petals. At the reception, kids can manage a guest book or pass out favors in a basket or on a tray. Becker has also seen children (well rehearsed, of course) perform a group reading and young boys act as “train bearers.” Just be sure to match the job to the kid’s personality; if a child is introverted and prone to hiding behind his mom’s skirt, then he most likely isn’t going to love giving a public performance, no matter how talented he is.
NOT INVITING THE RING BEARER AND FLOWER GIRL TO THE RECEPTION
There’s no rule that says you must, but think of the bad feelings you’d engender if you didn’t invite them. It’s not an easy task, both emotionally and logistically, for parents to dress up kids in fancy clothes, prod them to do their given jobs, then tell them they have to miss the party. The thoughtful thing to do is to invite them to the reception. If you’re really intent on having a purely adult reception, at the very least allow the flower girl and ring bearer to attend the cocktail hour and offer to find them babysitters for the rest of the night.
DO KIDS NEED A SPECIAL MENU?
When it comes to food, children’s meals make kids happier and are often less expensive. Becker suggests a small buffet or individual meals with kid-friendly foods like spaghetti, chicken fingers, and fruit cups. Kaforey adds that children 13 and up should be able to eat adult fare, though you may want to ask parents about this ahead of time.
WHERE SHOULD THE KIDS SIT?
Donnie Brown, a Dallas-based celebrity-wedding planner and author of “Donnie Brown Weddings: From the Couture to the Cake” (2009, Abrams) recommends seating kids aged 7 to 14 at a separate table, if you’d like, but he suggests seating those under 7 in another room entirely, with childcare provided; children this young, he says, will likely want to be near their parents and won’t sit still for long if Mom and Dad are within eyesight and earshot.
If you’d like children to be in the same room as adults, Kaforey suggests designating an area off to the side that both feeds kids and keeps them busy. She likes mini-tables, small buffets, and kid-friendly decor, like tables peppered with coloring books and crayons organized in galvanized buckets. If it’s in your budget, hire a babysitter. If you suspect that a guest will need a high chair, ask the venue if they can provide one; if they can’t, tell the parents so they can plan ahead.
ENTERTAINING THE KIDS AT THE WEDDING
“I’d always planned on children being in and at our wedding, so I had to think like a kid when it came to distracting them,” says Jane Bliss. “My favorite part of the wedding was shopping for the kids’ table!” During the reception, her young guests sat at one table for both food and crafts, with art supplies and picture frames, as well as trinket toys. “They had a blast, and they made things that had to do with the wedding, which was not a requirement,” she says.
A SEPARATE ROOM FOR KIDS
If little guests are going to be in their own supervised room, experts suggest filling it with easy-to-coordinate activities — including board games; gender-neutral, kid-appropriate movies; and simple art projects. Even better, create a “Kids’ Club,” says Becker, and hire insured childcare providers to act as counselors who set up themed activities. During a beach wedding, for instance, she suggests painting shells and reading stories about sea creatures. For couples with big budgets, consider hired entertainers such as balloon artists, magicians, and puppeteers.
CAN THE NANNY COME TOO?
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